I can't watch pbs sober anymore
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
