is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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