He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
