More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
