last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
