You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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