I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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