Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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