I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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