Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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