why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
