It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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