Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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