we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
