don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
