there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
