As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
