You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
