when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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