If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
