I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
