A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
