Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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