you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
