i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
