Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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