Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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