First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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