Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
