Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
