so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
