When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
