All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
