eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
