So drunk its hurt
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
