i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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