I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
