my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
