good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
