Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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