Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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