I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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