Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
