Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
