Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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