Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
