Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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