I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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