I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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