It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
