I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
