Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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