I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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