I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
