Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
pray to the hookup gods
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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