dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
