I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you didnt know i had herpes?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
