I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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