do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
