I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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