Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize